Ask Rae: Sex Advice: Public Sex, Anal & 3-somes

Editor’s Note: Get expert sex advice from Rae on public sex, anal play, and threesomes in the October issue of Ask Rae. Explore sexual curiosity, pleasure, and relationships with candid answers to your intimate questions.

Public Sex Advice

Dear Rae,  

Is just wanting to have sex in public without any other kink considered vanilla? 

One thing I’ve noticed about the kink world is that what is considered kinky, or vanilla, changes depending on who you ask. The definition of kink is anything outside the norm of sexual practices. You can see why this can be confusing: what’s normal? 

The kink community has its own norms, and I have met people who think that if there’s no power exchange, it’s not kinky, or if you’re not into being restrained, it’s not kinky. Those are certainly some things that are kinky, but that’s not the only way to be kinky. 

Sometimes, a person’s opinion of “what is kinky” is defined by their own experiences with societal judgment, or a perception that kink is always about pain or power.  By definition, any exploration of taboo is kinky. 

So, my question back to you is, do you feel that sex in public is part of social norms at large? Do you want to be considered kinky, or vanilla? The answer of if this is “normal” may change depending on your location: if you ask it at a swingers club, the answer may be “everyone likes that”. Ask that at the gym, you may get a different answer. 

For the record, my vote is public sex is a kink, which if we see them as opposites, makes it “not vanilla” but it’s just more complicated than that.

3-Somes

Dear Rae, 

I’m (M) in a new ish relationship. In previous ones we have had 3 somes… I  asked my lady and yes she is excited to try MFM. We have selected a gent and are good to go. I’m very excited. 

My question is after our event how soon do I ask or assess if she would care to repeat I’d love this to become often but don’t want to scare her off?

If you approach the conversation like you expect judgment, or to pressure her into doing this “often”, that’s going to affect how she responds. Instead of approaching it like, “I’m going to scare her with my intensity”, focus instead on your curious questions about her experience. Listen to her answers, then share your feelings. 

If you’re looking for structure, you should have your post sex chat that night (the one that says, “wow, that was so hot! How was that for you?”) and your debrief within 48 hours of the initial threesome. The debrief is when you calmly ask things like, what did you like, what would you want to do again, what would you like to do differently next time, etc. 

Instead of making assumptions about how your partner feels, ask. Be specific. The questions should be simple like, 

• Do you want to do that again?
• With this guy, or a different person? 
• How often could you see yourself having threesomes? 

The threesome energy is going to be different every time, even if it’s with the same person, so you won’t be able to recreate the same night twice. You can share that you had a lot of fun, and this is something you want to do again, and you want to make sure she feels safe and seen with you too. Make sure you define what “often” means to you, to see if you both have the same definition. 

How did the threesome go? Send us an update! 

Anal Sex

Dear Rae,

My partner enjoys anal, I am a bit girthy and getting her relaxed to stretch slowly can be tough. We can take our time but I wanted to ask if there are other techniques. I have a friend that vibes her clit to relax for example. 

Dude (gender neutral), this is so exciting. Not only do you have a partner who loves anal, you have a great reason to slow down the sex you’re having and prolong the experience. There’s a lot you can do, but the key is always: don’t rush. Which you know. Instead of speeding things up, make sure the time it’s taking is spent intentionally. For anyone reading who is new to anal, the number one rule is use lube, and the number two rule is go slow.  In no particular order, try these things: 

• The clitoris is basically the penis of her body. By stimulating the clitoris with a vibrator or other toys while she’s preparing will help her relax faster. I would recommend using things like hands, toys, anything to make it feel pleasurable (but not so pleasurable that she cums too quickly, edge her a little, it will be fun, I promise). 
• When you’re inserting items, make sure she’s breathing out, not in. 
• Use toys rather than fingers to warm up and stretch the anus. Fingers can be knobbly and uncomfortable, toys can graduate size better, they’re smoother, and they’ll help ease the pathway.  Buttplugs are fun for a bit of prep, but you don’t want that to be your main way to stretch the anus, make sure you’re using toys that will emulate the motion of what you’re going to be doing (penetration)
• The anus is a muscle: it will get used to relaxing faster the more her body gets used to that girth, but the other part is how relaxed she is in general. If she had a hard day, or has high anxiety, it’s going to take longer. Consider how to relax all parts of her body before switching to butt stuff.

If you’re doing anal by going right to butt stuff, you’re missing out on the ways you can tease, seduce, and pay attention to your partner before pounding her into oblivion. Use that time wisely.

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