Ask Rae is unfiltered advice to your sex, relationship, kink, and lifestyle questions.
Dear Rae,
If someone gets triggered during a kink scene, whether it’s a big, obvious reaction or something much smaller, the first step is to stop the scene. You don’t need to figure out exactly what happened or why in that moment.
Stop the scene (stop means untie, remove ball gag, etc.). Breathe with the person who was triggered. If you’re close, consider lying chest to back, and breathe until their breath matches yours. If they don’t want physical contact, you can help them breathe by counting your breaths together and over time slowing the breath. If they want closeness but not a full hug, hold hands while you do it.
The brain isn’t rational during a trigger. Once you’re calm (and the rational brain can kick in again), that’s when you check in and have your discussion on what happened. The scene may be done (for today), but other times, the person may still be craving closeness, reassurance and intimacy, and may want to have an orgasm. Listen to what they’re asking for without judgement, while also remembering that their feelings about what happened may change over the next 24 hours as they have time to process it.
You get to have boundaries, too. If your partner wants to continue with sexual activity or play because they’re looking for closeness, but you feel that continuing the scene would be a mistake, you can say no. Supporting someone through a trigger doesn’t mean you have to override your own boundaries.
Dear Rae,
What are your thoughts on coffee dates? I personally prefer coffee dates instead of lunch/dinner just in case the date is not going well, I don’t have to stay long, but some say it’s low effort and coffee dates attract men who show low effort. Also, some say women shouldn’t initiate a date, but I don’t necessarily agree.
I’m a big fan of coffee dates, especially for a first date with someone you met online. They’re a great way to meet someone without putting a ton of pressure on the interaction. There’s no alcohol involved, so you can actually have a clear head and get a better sense of who you’re talking to. They’re short enough that if the date is terrible, you can politely finish your coffee and leave, but still long enough to figure out whether there’s enough chemistry to warrant a second date if it’s going well. Also, some people need time to figure out if they’re attracted or even like the person, and by time I mean 24 hours after a first date. Coffee dates can help you be more in tune with those feelings.
I also like that coffee dates are relatively inexpensive. It takes some of the money and gender dynamics out of the equation, making it easier to start off on an even playing field.
A second or third date is a much better opportunity for planning something creative, thoughtful, or exciting once you actually know you like each other.
As for whether women should initiate dates: if you want to go on a date, ask someone on a date. There’s no prize for sitting around waiting for someone else to make the first move.
Dear Rae,
I’m in an open relationship, and I have to hide it from work and my family because it’s a pretty normal place and I don’t want to deal with all the questions when everyone thinks I’m “weird”. I’m not sure what my question is, actually, but do you have any advice?”
What a great question. Being in a consensually non monogamous relationship in any form can feel really isolating when you feel like you have to hide parts of your identity, and be hyper aware of not accidentally saying something you shouldn’t to the wrong person.
Do you have one or two friends you trust with your secrets that you can share this with? Having one or two people you trust that you can be 100% yourself around will be a huge help. Are you able to go to local community meetups to find other people in similar relationships? If yes, go to them! If you need to remain anonymous, find online groups that you can join, whether that’s a like minded group that games virtually together or a networking event for other people in the lifestyle. I know saying that sounds easier than the reality, but working towards those different pieces will help take the pressure off.
Want to Ask Rae a question? Use the Ask Rae Anonymous Form Below to submit your question. You may use a pseudonym to maintain your own anonymity, and Rae will answer your questions each month on SG101.
Looking for help with your non monogamous relationship? Rae’s 8 week group coaching program starts at the end of this month. The program is specifically to help people build trust and security while lessening jealousy, while building a small trusted cohort of community. To apply for the group click here.
Rae is a certified sexual health educator and relationship coach who specialises in providing accurate and realistic education for adults. Her coaching practice is centered in supporting the consensually non monogamous and kinky communities. She also creates non monogamy specific and sex ed content. You can see more of her work on her website, Wifebaerae instagram, Youtube channel. Check out her: Non Monogamy Group Coaching that starts at the end of September.
