How Do You Become Someone People Choose at a Sex Club?

Transcript:

So how do you get to be somebody that people choose to play with at a sex club? First of all, I have learned that attraction is built a lot more in a vibe than it is in physical appearance. Yes, physical appearance does factor in, but if you have good, a good vibe and a good personality, you can be very successful at these clubs no matter what you look like. People tend to gravitate towards people who make them feel safe and comfy. You know, people who don’t linger too long.

People who know when it’s time to gracefully exit a stale conversation. Those are the people that people tend to, to like to have around. You know, I also think it’s attractive to be the one that people choose instead of always being the one going around pursuing. Right? And so I would say I would be interested in somebody who wasn’t even pursuing anybody, but just having like a beer in the pool and sitting, you know, maybe having normal chitchat with somebody.

I’d probably be like attracted to them, right? And so even just your physical presence and social presence might be building the attraction for you. And so sometimes it’s okay to sit back and let things happen organically. The energy of desperation is actually not well received in a sex club. Like people understand that people come there ’cause they wanna have sex, but it’s really not anyone else’s job to give you that, right?

Uh, it’s up to you to get that for yourself. And so people who come across as desperate or pushy are actually the kind of people that people kind of get annoyed by and like, you know, they would just like roll their eyes at you don’t wanna be that person, right? So no matter how hard up you are in sex, I would just keep it in check and, uh, you know, manage your expectations. I think your goal should be to create interest and just not hunt people down. Hygiene’s gonna matter if you smell good.

If you taste good in the sense of good breath, or you know, if clean fingernails, you are already ahead of the game. So we’re gonna want somebody who takes care of their hygiene and how they smell and how they taste to people, frankly. We’re looking for somebody, for the most part, who the energy is calm, you know, not somebody who’s very aggressive or clearly on a mission, you know, uh, unless, unless my vibe is the same and we’re both just gonna hit it outta the park together, that just might be, uh, getting off on the wrong foot. Especially when people around you are trying to get to know you before they’re gonna have a sexual decision to, to make right. Or, and if you ask them to have sex too early, usually the answer is no.

Even if they might have been a yes in five or ten minutes if you had just given them the space and the time to get to know you. I will tell you that I have left many gang bang theme nights at the sex club with my single girlfriends, and there were single men available, and the single women went home without having sex even though they wanted to have sex. Now, make that make sense, right? No. Here’s what happened.

None of the guys were choose-able, even though they were there and they were available, that wasn’t enough. You need to be presentable. You need to have a personality, you need to offer somebody a drink. You need to go and be part of a conversation. You know, your presence is just not enough to be chosen.

I like people who can read a room, you know, especially can read body language. And so, uh, I do have a lesson on how to read body language. It’s not intuitive for everybody and we, uh, we can absolutely learn it. So, you know, once you get a, a way of being able to even communicate with your body and show interest with somebody with your body, it’s an extra tool in your tool belt. I would want somebody who is, uh, social first, not sexual.

I don’t wanna hear about a blowjob in the first five minutes of talking to you. Uh, or I will be turned off, and that’s just me. Maybe I’m, uh, I’m unique because I’m a demisexual. Uh, but lots of people are like me and my friends of all, you know, concurred that we don’t like people when they go straight to the sex. Like we, we know we’re at a sex club, but like, that doesn’t mean that that’s the only thing you do there and there’s not a process to get there, including foreplay and flirting.

You need to be very respectful of people’s boundaries. Every person you interact with might have a different boundary about where they want to be touched, or how they wanna be touched, or what they wanna be called. Don’t just start pulling out names like slut and whore, just because that’s your sexual fantasy, when you could actually be offending somebody who doesn’t like those terms. So you need to be a very respectful and just, you know, intimately respectful of people’s boundaries. I look for somebody who has calm confidence.

I’m not looking for like the loudest brute in the room kind of thing. Uh, just like a guy that seems like he would be, you know, a bit self-assured and somebody who would be able to troubleshoot a condom situation if it came up. I would choose somebody who talked to me like a human and not just an opportunity. I can tell when somebody’s, you know, in their head being like, oh, I wonder if this girl’s gonna have sex with us. And I can even get annoyed by that ’cause I’m just talking about the weather, you know?

So hold your horses kind of thing. And, uh, remember to, to talk to somebody like a human before having that energy of just wanting to pounce on them. Be patient, go with the flow. Understand your role in a dynamic. For example, if you’re a single and you’re joining a couple, you are their guest.

You know, you can’t be going in there and assuming that, you know you have free reign, you have to make sure that you understand boundaries and uh, and wants and things like that. We also look for somebody who is offering up pleasure instead of asking for pleasure. So a lot of guys go around and offer up, uh, an opportunity for somebody to suck their dick, and I’m like, I just, I shake my head because I’m like, do you not think that that girl already knows that you want a blowjob? But what is in it for her? I mean, and so if you go up to somebody, you know, single or couple and offer up, like, how can I, you know, make your body quiver tonight?

Or can I orally please you tonight? Is a very different offer than being like, do you wanna come and suck my dick? You know. Also we look for people who do not take rejection personally or show any attitude about it. Rejection is a natural part of life as well as, uh, the sex club lifestyle.

And so you need to be able to take it with grace, you know, not go and complain outside about it and, you know, while you’re having a smoke, things like that. Just, you know, chill, uh, take it with grace and, uh, you know, onto the next. So in general, I want someone who makes me feel safe to be around someone who isn’t pushy. Someone who respects my boundaries maybe does nice things like offer me a drink or, uh, offers me a, you know, a joint. I smoke weed and, uh, offers up some real pleasant conversation and opportunity for mental connection before there’s any ask of sex.

Not everybody wants the same thing as me. But this is something I have seen my other friends also want. Not all of them, some of them. And uh, I can only speak from the experience I do have. So I hope this has helped and, uh, I hope that you are one of the chosen ones.

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Miss my last video? Check it out here: 1st Visit to a Sex Club!

About this Column: Lifestyle Lessons with Toronto Unicorn

Lifestyle Lessons with Toronto Unicorn shares practical, real-world advice for navigating sex clubs and the swinger lifestyle with more confidence. From etiquette and communication to common mistakes and awkward situations, Toronto Unicorn shares lessons learned from years of firsthand experience in the lifestyle.

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